Extra Story: Let Batman Eat! NSFW

Somewhere in the world, a screen flickers on without anyone activating it. The frame is filled once again with the fraudulent Gotham local news station. The two anchors: a woman who infrequently dresses as a clown, and a young man in attire and makeup which is uncomfortable to describe. Their names are known to all Gotham City citizens, but those names are harbingers of fear and chaos only to be uttered in the safety of the daylight.

"Sorry for interuptin' your usual stories!" Harley says in her usual, overly enthusiastic tone.

"Greetings Gotham City, you may refer to me as Minstrel," The young man said as he took off his straw hat (and his fake, dreadlocks of yarn along with them), placed it into his chest and bowed.

"And I'm his big sista, Harley!"

"And we must interrupt A Maroon in Midnight Blue for a public service announcement."

Harley Quinn leaned back in her chair as she took a deep breath, ready to exclaim at the top of her lungs.

Minstrel cut her off, "There is no moral shame in performing cunnilingus."

Harley shot her body forward and scowled at Minstrel, "Aw, Jimmy! Ya took away my big moment."

She turned back to the camera and cupped her hands together, "EAT PUSSY, YA COWARDS! IT TASTES AMAZING!"

Minstrel cleared his throat and gave Harley a knowing look.

"Oh, right. Maybe I was a bit too enthusiastic..."

Minstrel held up a white gloved hand, "Nonsense, there is no reason to not be enthusiastic about your sex life."

Harley nodded intelligently, "But we shouldn't make chowin' down another part a' getting our fuck on that people think they're owed."

"We should all endeavor to pleasure our partners," Minstrel agreed, "but pleasure cannot come from force."

Harley spread her arms wide and made jazz hands, "Or coerce!"

"It's recently come to our attention that some...we'll say, 'policy makers' feel differently," Minstrel reported. "We're here to show you that, yes, heroes indeed do that."

"And they love doing it! Let me tell you, this one time with Nightwing---" Harley cut herself off and looked nervously at Minstrel. She swallowed a nervous gulp and continued, "A story for another audience. Point is, heroes love pussy."

"Though not all," Minstrel added.

"But most a' them!"

"Indeed." Minstrel agreed.

"So, send the kids to bed, and if you're under 18, please don't look," warned Harley Quinn with a shaming finger wave at the camera.

"Because for the next few moments, we will be taking an in-depth look at cunnilingus among the capes of Gotham city. All for the benefit of Gotham's citizens."

A brief lull passed between the two. The moment was over when the studio lighting changed and Lionel Richie's "Let's Get it On" began to play. Minstrel eyed Harley, and Harley eyed Minstrel, then both eyed the camera.

"Wait, did ya'll think..." Harley asked.

"Repugnant! Despicable!" Minstrel cried as he slammed fist after fist on the table.

"We're brother and sister, ya freaks!" Harley said as she defensively grabbed Minstrel to protect him from the audience's degeneracy.

"And my sister is a happily married woman!" Minstrel added.

"Yeah! If we're turnin' this into a three-player game, I gotta clear that with Ivy first!"

"Just roll the tape, roll it!" Minstrel said.

"Jimmy, wait! You didn't make any jokes yet."

"Feminine pleasure is no laughing matter," Minstrel said.

Harley laughed, "Maybe when you do it."

*

It's a cliché, but I remember the fist time so vividly that I'd swear that it happened yesterday.

Selina Kyle broke into my house. It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last. These were back in the days when I still tried to make my house impenetrable to her, failing to realize how futile that was. Alfred wanted to shoot her on sight, but I never listened and always ordered him to surrender his gun to the Batcave.

"Fine, you can have this one." He'd always scoff before going away in a huff.

From whatever room I was in, I would watch Selina on the cameras. I didn't attempt to stop her, rather I wanted to study her and figure out her methods. I knew every single nook and hidey-hole in Wayne Manor, and I wanted to see which one she would and wouldn't notice, and what her methods of breaking into them would be. With every break in, I learned something knew about Selina's abilities, methods, and priorities; information that would be more than helpful in my future crimefighting. When I'd seen enough, I'd let her escape, but only to give her a head start before our pursuit.

That day was different though. I watched in horrific awe as she walked straight up to my antique cabinet, cut a hole inside with her pinkie finger, and grab a single Fabergé egg.

There was a story behind that egg, and Selina knew it. She knew what it meant to me, and how much I cared to see it, and everything else in that display case, safe and well-taken care of. The moment that she even touched it, a silent alarm activated, and every entrance in the room sealed itself shut. Everything else in my mansion wasn't nearly as protected, but that egg mattered more to me than anything, and I was determined to get it back.

I activated the intercom speaker in that room and said, "Please return the object where you found it. I am not playing with you this time, Catwoman."

There were microphones in the room. They were so sensitive that they could track her breathing, and she knew perfectly well that they were there. But rather than speak to me, she looked right into the camera, and ran her tongue along the top row of her teeth.

"I take it that once again, she's committed this act to schedule what is known as a 'booty call?'" Alfred asked.

The camera feed went out. I rose from my chair and started stripping.

"Please, sir, at least wait until I've left. Or were you hoping that I would record the interaction?"

"Ready the Batmobile, Alfred. She's going to her apartment."

"Very well, sir. And shall I include the magnums this time?"

I tossed my shirt at his head.

Bending down, I opened a small alcove in my desk, revealing a hidden cache of the parts of my costume that I couldn't wear under my regular clothes. This was the old days, before the heavier armor technology. A simple skinsuit, some boots, a cape and cowl, com-links, a utility belt, and a ballistic plate made from the melted gun which killed my parents. Faster than Dick could shout, "Moon Prism Power!" (and believe me, he'd done so before), Bruce Wayne was gone once again, and Batman was on the chase.

I tracked Selina to one of her apartments. It was one that I'd never seen before, and that made me feel odd. I wasn't angry, but more disappointed that once again, she was hiding from me. She'd seen parts of me that I didn't show anyone: not Dick, Alfred, Ace, Diana, or Clark. Still, it wasn't enough for her to tell me her real address.

I shimmied up the fire escape and walked through the window. She was already inside, laying on a garish, heart-shaped bed and reading a magazine. The bejeweled egg laid on its side atop a nightstand to the right. I let my eyes pass over her and walked towards the nightstand.

Selina sat up on the bed and extended an arm to block my path.

"I'm sorry, Bats. But this bridge has a toll. I didn't just break into your house and take mommy's egg for fun, you know."

I figured as much. The egg was the first present I ever bought for my mother—the first thing I ever won at auction. I worked hard and saved up a day's allowance to buy it. When I told Selina the story for the first time, she laughed, but then said it was adorable. She understood what it meant to me.

"What do you want, Selina?"

Once again, she made the same gesture that she made to the camera, "I think I was pretty clear about what I wanted."

I felt a rush of chemicals coursing through my body. If this were our first meeting, I would have sworn she slipped me some drug, probably one of Ivy's aphrodisiacs. But we'd been down this route too many times before; I knew that she just had that effect on me.

"Mask on or off," I said, feeling my voice rise slightly in anticipation.

She purred, "Oh? What's wrong, are you nervous, little boy? Leave the mask on, then. I know it makes you feel safe."

I shot forward at the bed and tackled her. I couldn't help it, something about her voice, her face, her smell. It all filled me with pure desire and transformed me into an animal. I lost all composure wherever Catwoman was involved. The refined gentleman that Alfred taught me to be went away, and I slipped even further into the part of my mind that was a creature of the night.

We kissed for some minutes. Then, Selina scooted herself higher on the bed. I licked at her cleavage and caressed her sides. She scooted herself higher on the bed. I reached up and began to unzip her, then planted small, loving kisses on her belly. She scooted herself higher on the bed. I stopped.

"I'm Batman," I reminded her.

She raised a curious eyebrow, "Honey, I'm Catwoman."

I looked down nervously. Her body looked so alluring in her tight, shining, latex pants. How often had I stared at that same area and wanted to thrust myself inside? Now all I could think about---

"It's a vagina, Bruce. It's not going to smell like a cupcake." Her voice was still playful, but it was growing a little annoyed.

"I didn't mean to —I've never really done that before."

Selina laughed, "Really? I always figured that's why Wonder Woman kept the two of you around."

"Can't we just do what we always do?" I asked.

She yawned, "I'm sorry, baby. But I'm in a very...particular mood tonight."

My eye glanced over to the egg. Selina followed it and deduced what I was thinking.

"You can take it," she said. She rose from the bed, re-zipped her suit, and held the egg out to me. "If you're not into it, then I guess the game's over."

"If I leave, are you just going to call someone else?" I asked.

"Isn't that what you do when I'm not in the mood? Do you really want to talk exclusivity now?" She pushed back. She took a step closer to me, placing the egg into my chest and pressing her lips into my cheek. "I'll still want you tomorrow, Bats, don't worry about that. I may know some girls with some skills, but what you and I have is more than that. Fly home, now. Put mommy's egg in a good place for next time, okay?"

I nodded, and we kissed once again. I took the egg from her, then headed back to the Batmobile. I sat the egg in the glove compartment, then sat at the wheel for a few moments.

I ran out of the Batmobile at a speed that could match Barry's. I re-entered Selina's apartment, unsurprised to find her waiting for me spread-eagle on the bed with a riding crop in her hands.

"What took you so long? I hope you brought my favorite dental dams."

I began fiddling awkwardly with my utility belt, "I have condoms and a pair of scissors."

Selina rolled her eyes, "I'm kidding, I brought my own. Now, get onto this bed and help me get off."

"Yes ma'am," I nodded.

I took a step forward, and she gave me a disapproving look. I dropped to my knees, then began to crawl towards the bed, my eyes filling with thoughts of lust.

Between her thighs once again, I felt a familiar wave of anxiety pass through me. I looked up to her pleadingly, "You know, this is still a little weird for me."

Catwoman chuckled, "I'll walk you through it. Just let me know if it gets too weird."

"And then we can stop?" I asked.

She nodded, "Yes, but remember where we left off. In case it seems less weird later."

*

Inside a fireplace-lit cottage, Harley Quinn sits in a rocking chair, reading to Minstrel, who sits on the floor and watches her eagerly.

"And after that day, Batman realized he LOVED eating pussy. He became a pussy-eatin' machine! If there was a carpet in the Justice League, Batman was munchin' on it. But he never, ever forgot the woman that first opened his eyes to the beauty of cunnilingus."

"I like that story," Minstrel said with a happy nod.

"I do, too. I hope hearing it teaches all the little boys and girls the beauty of oral sex."

Minstrel nodded, then frowned, "But what if Batman really didn't like it? What if he really didn't want to do it? What if I don't want to do it?"

"It's fine if ya don't like it, but it's also important to remember that sex is a situation where conversation and compromise are the best way forward. Next time, we'll read the story of how Lois grew to accept that Superman won't go down on her, but remained fulfilled by all the other ways he takes care of her sexual needs."

"Aww, can't we read it now!" Minstrel protested.

Harley shook her head, "Sorry, Jimmy. It's way past your bedtime, and we gotta get you back into the events of your story. Say goodnight to the good people now, Jimmy."

Minstrel turned to face the audience. His jet-black face hung center frame, as folds began to spread all-throughout. The red of his lips grew and grew, separating as Moses parted the sea to reveal gleaming incisors and canines. His eyes opened wide, the lids stretching so far back that they seemed to disappear. This wicked smiling face bored deep into the souls of all that witnessed it, and with a hushed tone, Minstrel declared,

"Sometimes, it's better to give than to receive. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

"Yeah, go get your fuck on!" Harley cried as she straddled a vine, riding away to some unknown location.